Okay, so I now know that the computer problems I was having had to do with how I was saving my drawing on my computer. I wasn't saving them as JPGs, so when I tried to upload them, the scans couldn't be recognized. One crisis has been avoided.

However, I'm having the same trouble I've always had since I decided I wanted to be an artist. I can never seem to convey what I'm trying to draw. I'm too worried about porportion, materials, repetiveness, and realism. I'm not trying to do art any more, but rather, I'm trying to do perfection. Art in itself is not perfect, nor will it ever be. It's a matter of trying to capture the idea into a visible form.

In art class, I come up with wonderful ideas, and a lot of times, I can represent what I'm trying to convey. I feel inspired by the vibe from people around me who are working just as hard to create something from nothing. I could share ideas, get critisms, and get compliments. I felt like I was an awesome artist, and that mojo made it easier for me to convey what I was after.

This school year, I'm going to be missing some of the most influencial art students I've met so far. Lauren Hild had once been a friend of mine who I eventually (literally) fell in love with. Granted, the love was never returned, and I ended up losing her because of it. However, she continues to be one of the most beautiful, admirable people I've known. Her art was always something outside of the ordinary, and deadlines be damned! She used color beautifully with a devotion to realistic porportions that sent me reeling. I could cry thinking about how the images stay in my head, and how envy would eat away at me every time I saw the works of art.

Then, there was Hannah L. In my sophmore year, I saw a work of art she had finished, and I declared her my rival right then and there. However, in my junior year, I was lucky enough to have her in my class and in the same year of art class(2), and I couldn't have been happier... until I realized how passive she was about her art. She had a nack for realism, but she never had any outward emotion towards her work. She was never pleased, yet at the same time, she was never unsatisfied. To put it simply, she merely wasn't. Once I asked her how she felt when she finished a piece. She looked blankly at me and said, "It's just something else for people to compliment. It doesn't really matter."

I was shocked. I love a lot of the pieces I finished in art, and I always adore the praise I get for what I do well. When I asked Hannah if she was going to persue art, she didn't seem to really want to go into art. She basically told that she might go into art simply because she could do it well. Other than that, it didn't matter.

Finally, I have my boyfriend and biggest critic, Hatchi, to thank for making me realize that I had to stop trying to emulate other artists in order to create my own art. He remains an influencial part of my art, and I value, though sometimes argue, his opinion.

You see, in art class, we were assigned to do a colored pencil drawing in either a tonal or heavy fashion. I chose to do a heavy colored pencil art where you lay down your colors, then you take a white pencil, rub down the colored section, and repeat the process three times. It saturates the colors. I was having trouble finding a source for my drawing that my teacher would approve (she has a tendency to dwell on "values" and "realism" in a source rather than content and creativity). Finally, I found a picture of leaves entitled "Fallen" which she approved of for a colored pencil drawing.

I worked for three hours a damn day for two weeks on this son-of-a-bitch, and I finally managed to finish with two minutes before class the day it was due. I got a 102% on that thing, and after all that work put into it, I was beyond proud. I showed my success to Hatchi, and he told me flat out he didn't like it at all. He recognized that it wasn't from a picture I had taken, and he also knew that I wasn't that crazy about the reference to begin with. On top of that, I had been working so hard on it to impress my teacher moreso than myself.

After hearing his opinion, I was beyond pissed. I was furious that he didn't like it, and I would've broken up with him if I had talked to him any further then. I kept trying to get him to take it back throughout the rest of the year, but stubborn as always, he refused to compromise. It's only now that I understand what he was saying. He knew I wasn't living up to my full potential. I taking someone else's soul to and trying to force feed myself a liking to the piece of art.

In the end, I kept the piece as a reminder of some of the mistakes I've made in artistic judgement. I still love the saturation of the colors, but I don't like the piece as a whole. It's not really mine, and I shouldn't take credit for it although I did the pencil work.

I still have much to learn in the way of the psychology of art. Even now, I'm asking myself if I truly want to do "manga/anime" art, or do I want to be a different kind of artist? Do I want a label for what kind of artist I am, other than traditional? Can I really prove to myself and my family that my art is worth persuing, or should I go into some kind of profession like architectual or engineering?

Looking at my gallery, I hate everything I've done so far. However, I have pieces at home, too large for my scanner to put them online, that I love to death. Still, no one can see them because I have no way to put them online, save for my digital camera which would do my art no justice. It's something that really depresses me to be honest.

Well, I hope that people can understand where I'm coming from, even if it confusing even me.

~ Peace and Love